I Shouldn't Even Be Going Through This

Have you said that recently? Because I have. Multiple times a day, several times a week. And today it hit me even harder when I realized just how hard this whole starting over in life thing was really going to be.

I was so excited today because I went out to check out an apartment complex for me and the kids to move into. Something that was ours, even if it was temporary. We are ready for something of our own and for a fresh start. I want something of my own. I had been left holding the bag on a lot, especially financially, but I was ready to start fresh.

Until I got inside the complex and was basically told I didn’t even qualify for any of the homes, and that they were no longer accepting anyone on the waitlist for low income families.

The woman literally handed me a sheet, drew some circles explaining how it all works, and said:

“Yeah, that a bummer.”

I smiled real tight, then punched her in the face.

Just kidding. I didn’t do that.

But I did smile really tight, told her thank you (although in my head thanks for nothing), and then walked out before I could start to cry.

And oh man, I started to cry really hard in the car home. It was only a five minute drive, but it felt like the longest five minutes of my life.

Then, I started to get really, really angry. Angry at him. Angry at God. Angry and frustrated at it all.

“I shouldn’t even be in this position!”

“We should be starting over as a family, together!”

“My family should not be broken!”

“I should not be struggling like this by myself.”

I was so mad and upset. I literally typed up a long text that I wanted to send to him, unleashing every single thing I felt in that moment. Everything has felt hugely unfair and not right. It looks on the outside like everything goes his way, but I am here left with picking up all of the broken pieces.

This afternoon has sucked.

I didn’t send the text. This is why therapy is good, folks. It gives you the tools to walk off ledges and keeps you from punching people in the face (like the lady at the apartment complex) and from sending an extremely emotional and angry text message (no matter how much he deserves it.)

I went home. I cried. Now I have a headache, so I am going to drink some hydrate and energize and go work out all of these emotions. I need the endorphins.

And while I sweat it out, I am going to remind myself that this season right now is not forever. It feels like forever and it is freaking hard as hell, but it is not forever. I will have my own place. My kids will have a place to call their own and they will have me as their mother. That my worth is not dependent on whether or not I have a place of my own to live in. That in due time, things will be okay.

We have a church home. My kids have a ministry of their own and amazing leaders who want to pour into them. My son is playing baseball and is getting the help and support he needs at his school (after a really crappy 4th grade year.) My daughter is doing well in school and has friends that she loves and love her.

And that I am right. I am NOT supposed to be going through this. All of this was brought on by somebody else’s choice and it has been extremely hurtful and damaging. This should not be happening.

But, since it is, it is time to put on my really big girl pants and do something about this. I can’t make him or anyone else “see the light”. I can’t change what has been done. But I can change our future.

You can change your future.

What do I mean by that? It means you can decide if you don’t want to feel a certain way any more. It means you can decide if you don’t want to be treated a certain way any more. It means you can decide if you don’t want to live a certain way anymore. I believe in prayer, but I also don’t think things grow on trees. If you want something to change, you are going to have to do something different. You can say to yourself that this is Bull Crap and not put up with it anymore. Take a stand. I am. (Can you tell? I am kind of liking this new call it like it is Tiff. You have no idea how much I have been silent on the things I shouldn’t have been silent on.)

Now, being different doesn’t mean you have to get a divorce or treat people like crap in order to get what you want. But it does mean that you get to decide what your priorities are. Mine has always been my family. I have always been Team Harper.

You shouldn’t be going through this. It should not be happening, but if it is, you go be Team ______. Time to do some work, pray really big and loud and bold, grab you sister friends and make it happen.

And for good measure, I have been listening to Roar by Katy Perry and Good as Hell by Lizzo. So if you need to be pumped up a little bit, these will do it.

Here is to you and saying "enough is enough" to whatever it is in your life.

Rooting you on,

Tiff

P.S. If I were you, and you need help not punching people, let me know. I have learned a few things. As the fabulous Elle Woods says "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy."